BDSM for newbies

Writing about a new partner made me think about approaching play for the first time and how to stay safe and happy. I thought I’d share my thoughts in case it’s helpful to anyone out there in the early days of exploring dominance and submission.

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Things to talk about with a new partner before you play together

  • Hard limits

Being submissive does not involve letting anything happen to you.

Take some time to think for yourself- what is an absolute “no” for you. Hard limits vary so much from person to person. Don’t worry that your partner won’t like your limits: you are who you are, and if they’re worth playing with then they will understand. It’s fundamental that you feel comfortable and safe so that you can let go and enjoy yourself.

I actually wrote my limits down because I can’t always think of them on the spot. To give you some examples, some of my hard limits are: face slapping, being choked in anyway shape or form, and being forced to apologise. I have a friend who freaks out if anything wet gets on her face… limits are really personal things and can be anything at all.

  • Safe-words

In order to feel safe, comfortable and relaxed, you need to know that you can stop play at any time. Hopefully you won’t need to call a halt, but just to know that you can is important. Many people use a traffic light system:

– red means “stop immediately!”

– amber means “this is OK but I’m getting close to my limit”

– green means “I’m having a whale of a time- keep going!”.

This can be a good way to check in with a new partner- just ask them for a colour. You’ll need to do this much less as you get to know one another.

Be aware that if you’ll be wearing a gag you won’t be able to speak, so arrange for another signal which means “stop and check in”. e.g. tapping your hand. Although if your hands are restrained as well, you won’t be able to do that either. I’d consider not doing this in a first play session, until you know each other better. Maybe you can find another signal e.g. a long sound. Find something that works for you 🙂

  • Aftercare

This is so important and so easily overlooked. When someone has been degrading you, pissing on you and calling you a filthy slut, it’s no surprise that you need time to decompress afterwards: a debrief, if you will! Cuddles are necessary for most: cups of tea, chocolate, snuggly blankets…. these all help. A phone call and a check in the day after can be really good too. For me this loving cuddly bit is what tells me deep down that I am cared for and respected. It’s what makes me feel great the next day, and the day after and the day after. Skip this bit and you can find yourself plunging into sub-drop or dom-drop.

Red flags

These are things which for me would make me seriously question a person’s ability to play safely:

  • They make you feel bad for having limits
  • They try to persuade you to do something you’ve already said no to
  • They don’t want to engage in aftercare
  • They want you to play without safe-words

If you have anything to add, please do leave me a comment.

Play safe!

Ruby x

4 thoughts on “BDSM for newbies

Add yours

    1. Can’t stress enough that letting someone you trust know who you are with and where you are going. I would also suggest a check in call to let that person know you are okay. Meet my current wife in BDSM world. She ended up in a very dangerous situation by not taking these precautions. If you’re going to play. Play safely.

      Liked by 1 person

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