I’m not attractive.
I’m having a low week and this belief has taken a firm hold. It’s a part of me that’s always there but varies in the strength of its grip. At the moment it’s got me by the throat.
How many failed job interviews and applications? How many mediocre dates which end in indifference? Reaching out and nobody reaching back?
There are times when I can brush it aside and confidently stride towards the awaiting date/interviewer. Often, I catch sight of myself and this cruel, knowing voice begins to attack:
“You’ve got nothing Ruby. Just give up and spare yourself the shame.”
“Just wait until he sees you without the jeans that hold your belly in.”
“You don’t have it. You’re just pretending and they’ll find out soon enough.”
And really, who wants to be with someone who actually does not believe they are lovable? It’s not a healthy state of being, let alone to rely on someone else for self esteem.
It’s times like this when I’m so grateful for my son and my cats and the unconditional, unwavering affection that they ooze. Like when my son wriggles backwards in bed to get into the perfect little spoon position, and sleepily yawns “I love you Mama.” If there’s anything better than that in the whole world I haven’t found it.
I also have my health. My cancer has not returned, and the small tumor sitting in my left eye seems to be on pause. I actually quite like it being there, gently reminding me. Good health is really not to be taken for granted. I’m writing to myself today… reminding myself.
This is life. This is it. And I’m fed up of sitting around and waiting for someone to choose me.
Fuck that. I want to take control back and feel a greater sense of power over my own life.